Jeff and Celeste!

Genre Squad: Jenga! (part 2!)

2012-01-23T05:12:00.000-08:00

Beatrice; week 54.

2012-01-16T05:28:00.000-08:00

Genre Squad: Resumes!

2012-01-09T05:34:00.000-08:00

Pirate
123 Sea Shanty Arrvenue, Los Angeles, CA(555)
555-5551 Avast@Arr.Boat

RELATED EXPERIENCE:
Captain, The Contessa’s Catamaran. 2005 - 2009, Pacific and Indian Oceans.
-Managin’ the furner.
-Earnin’ promotion based on strength of orders made and carried out, character, and swordplay.

First Mate, The Contessa’s Catamaran. 2003 - 2005, Pacific and Indian Oceans.
-Bellowin’ orders to the mangy crew.
-Administerin’ the operations of keelhaulin’ traitors, scallywags, and lily-livers alike.

Shiphand, The Jolly Rancher. 2000- 2003, Atlantic and Caribbean Seas.
-Performin’ manual labor in a timely and agreeable fashion.
-Acquirin’ respect as a pirate due to level of audacity while forsakin’ royal duties.

Sailor, The Queen’s Royal Navy. 1995 - 2000, Norwegian and Mediterranean Seas.
-Amassin’ experience as a salty, sea dog.

SKILLS:
Managin’, plunderin’, pillagin’, knot-tyin’, swimmin’ and swimmin’ instruction, and sword-fightin’.

EDUCATION:
Her Majesty’s Boat Boot Camp. England, U.K.
Officer Cadet, May 1995.

Ninja
Contact Information:
I find you.

RELATED EXPERIENCE:
Assassin, CONFIDENTIAL! 2007, Victoria, British Columbia.
-Killed target, as promised.
-Very stealthy. No one saw.

Assassin, CONFIDENTIAL! 2006, Dakar, Senegal.
-Killed a guy. Got paid.

Assassin, CONFIDENTIAL! 2005, Colombo, Sri Lanka.
-Snuffed out dude.

Sales Associate, Ninja Weapons, Inc. 1998 - 2000, Yokohama, Japan.
-Sold weapons.

SKILLS:
Ninjutsu, origami, and sales.

EDUCATION:
Ninja Gakuen. Yokohama, Japan.
Top of Class. May 2000.

Zombie
456 Courtyard Crt. Los Angeles, CA
(555) 555-5552 grr.argh@blarg.ungh

RELATED EXPERIENCE:
Background Actor, Assorted B-Movies. 2005 - 2008, Hollywood, CA.
-Provided disturbingly accurate ambiance in the background your favorite zombie movies.

Office Assistant, Chief Cubicle Offices. 1997 - 2005, Burbank, CA.
-Spent days creating spreadsheets, pie charts, and e-mail reminders.

Sales Associate, Major Corporation, Inc. 1983 - 1997, Glendale, CA.
-Dedicated life to serving others, promoting the corporation, and nodding at superiors.

SKILLS:
Moaning, groaning, drooling, eating brains, mauling corpses, and Power Point.

EDUCATION:
Zombie Certification Camp. North Hollywood, CA.
Magna Cum Laude. May 2007.

Robot
Address: 01100001 01100100 01100100 01110010 01100101 01110011 01110011
Phone: 01110000 01101000 01101111 01101110 01100101
E-mail: 01100101 00101101 01101101 01100001 01101001 01101100

RELATED EXPERIENCE:
Assembling Arm, All-Assembled Company. 2001 - 2008, Los Angeles, CA.
-Assembled arms of assembling arms.

Vending Machine, North Valley High School. 1995 - 2001, North Valley, CA.
-Supplied students with sugary sustenance.

E-Z Bake Oven, The Smith’s Playroom. 1994 - 1995, South Valley, CA.
-Made instant treats with the power of a light bulb.

SKILLS:
Accurate, methodical, and meticulous.

EDUCATION:
Robot Construction Completion. South Valley, CA.
May 1994.

An excuse, a sneak peak, and a hint.

2012-01-02T05:25:00.001-08:00

So while we're still swamped with work that pays us fiscally (instead of this-here work that pays us spiritually), we postpone our regularly weekly update yet again (WE'RE SORRY!). However, to make up for that fact that we can't spend our time how we'd like, we're going to give you a sneak peak into yet another project that we don't have enough time to work on:

Dead in the Water: an independently published serial work by Panic Attack! Comics, due out...as soon as we have time to work on it. One word hint: vampirates.

Happy Holidays!

2011-12-26T07:44:00.000-08:00

We're wrapped up in the holiday spirit this week, so the most we have to offer is a bushel of warm wishes for you and yours!

Bear hugs!
--Jeff and Celeste!

Beatrice; week 53!

2011-12-19T05:22:00.000-08:00

Curses! Foiled again!

2011-12-12T06:10:00.000-08:00

Us starving artist (and writer) types have to have day jobs so that we can slightly less starving. Our commitment to not being homeless has unfortunately made it impossible for us to webcomic this week.... But do not fret! I have all sorts of news and updates for you! Yes, you specifically!

1.) I wrote you a mad-lib:

A(n) [adjective] Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, there was a(n) [noun] who longed to be a(n) [noun]. He wished upon many [plural noun] and [plural noun], but was quickly beginning to feel hopeless. One day, a(n) [adjective] [noun] [past tense verb] into town and proclaimed, “If any one can [verb] me at [type of card game], I shall grant any [adjective] wish that they desire.” The [first noun written] [past tense verb] at the chance, and began practicing his game.

He practiced [adverb] every day for a week. At the end of the week, he [past tense verb], "[Gerund] is [adjective]!” [Verb] his [participle] [noun], he [past tense verb] through a [noun] [preposition] [noun] [punctuation] [verb] the entire [noun] [punctuation] [Pronoun] [past tense verb] the [adjective] [noun] to [previously mentioned card game], and so the tournament began. [Number] games in, the [first noun] died [adverb] [preposition] [body part] failure.

[Preposition] [noun] [punctuation]

Feel free to share your versions of mad-lib-madness in the comment section! What fun!

2.) For all those bad ass mofos who pre-ordered t-shirts: you're bad ass. Also: the tiny and local (to me) t-shirt place is both tiny and local. They're behind schedule (due them being tiny and so many of you being bad ass), but I've been promised that they'll be in my possession this week. I'll mail them out as soon as humanly possible after that!

3.) Contests are in your future! (Ooo!) As is the Beatrice book we keep threatening you with! (Bigger ooo!) Also: more merchandise! (Biggest ooo!)

4.) Here's a stock photo of a cat I found on the internet:

You internet-people love cats, right? (I love cats, too!)

Beatrice; week 52!

2011-12-05T05:15:00.000-08:00

Happy Three-st Blogiversary!

2011-11-28T05:06:00.000-08:00

Hey, you guys! Guess what this week is...?

Our Blogiversary! Three years of our webcomic ramblings! Thanks for being part of the fun, readers. Let's celebrate!

Beatrice; week 51!

2011-11-21T05:16:00.000-08:00

Dictionary: The Movie! (Part 14!)

2011-11-14T04:52:00.000-08:00

--------------------------------------------------------------

PS: Our Limited Edition "Beatrice" t-shirts are sold out!!! Thanks to all of those who participated! You will be rewarded handsomely for your efforts....

T-shirt! T-shirt, t-shirt, t-shirt!

2011-11-07T05:13:00.000-08:00

Only ONE WEEK left to order the Limited Edition Beatrice T-Shirt!Pretty....

We're getting a very limited supply, so make sure you fill out our pre-order form by November 14th if you want to be one of the select few to win Beatrice's approval. Proceeds benefit our Beatrice; vol 1 publication and that's really just a benefit to all of mankind, if you think about it.

A limited edition "Beatrice" t-shirt?! Hooray!

2011-10-31T03:49:00.000-07:00

You know you like Beatrice, and you know you like not being naked sometimes, so why not support both concepts and pre-order our first effort in t-shirting?!

Now, a shirt this sexy is only available for a limited time, so make sure you fill out our pre-order form by November 14th if you want in on this trophy of a wardrobe addition. Proceeds benefit our Beatrice; vol 1 publication and every time you show it off around town, you're scoring one more point with Beatrice herself!

Pre-order one today!

Genre Squad: Jenga! (part 1!)

2011-10-24T05:16:00.000-07:00

Pssst...

2011-10-17T03:49:00.000-07:00

You all better be on your best behavior...

...because Beatrice will be coming to your home soon.

(Details soon! Rejoicing now!)

Genre Squad: Zombie's Open Casting Call (Part 3!)

2011-10-10T05:23:00.000-07:00

I know it's supposed to be Dictionary: The Movie this week, but we're feeling rebellious. Have some Genre Squad instead!

Beatrice; week 50!

2011-10-03T03:42:00.000-07:00

Working for a living....

2011-09-26T05:02:00.000-07:00

I'm afraid that work has gotten in the way of play, yet again.... But fret not! This is how we partnered up in the first place, remember?!

Tune in for another new Beatrice next week!

Beatrice; week 49.

2011-09-19T03:52:00.001-07:00

Genre Babies!

2011-09-12T03:36:00.000-07:00

We make our dreams come truuuuuuueee!

Beatrice; week 48.

2011-09-05T03:52:00.000-07:00

Beatrice desktop!

2011-08-29T04:41:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Miscellaneous Week! Have a desktop.

"Why is it every time I need to get somewhere, we get waylaid by jackassery?"

2011-08-22T04:19:00.000-07:00

Life derails our "Genre Squad" efforts yet again, but we've had it with its sass:

...Go Team Venture?

Beatrice; week 47.

2011-08-15T04:22:00.001-07:00

Dictionary: The Movie (Part 13!)

2011-08-08T03:43:00.000-07:00

Beatrice; week 46.

2011-08-01T04:22:00.001-07:00

"Time is making fools of us again."

2011-07-25T03:47:00.001-07:00

Hey, kids! Our real jobs have been really busy, so we really didn't have time for this week's comic and we're really sorry. Really! Meanwhile, in honor of the new Harry Potter movie, remember how great this is?!

Remember to tune in next week for an all new Beatrice! Yay!

Beatrice; week 45.

2011-07-18T03:34:00.000-07:00

Genre Squad: Invasion of the Ninja Mom

2011-07-11T07:26:00.000-07:00

PREPARE TO BE JUDGED!

Beatrice; week 44.

2011-07-04T06:08:00.000-07:00

"All I do is think and blink!"

2011-06-27T04:02:00.000-07:00

We dare you not to have this theme song stuck in your head, now.

Beatrice; week 43.

2011-06-20T04:04:00.000-07:00

Dictionary: The Movie (Part 12!)

2011-06-13T05:45:00.000-07:00

Beatrice; week 42.

2011-06-06T04:10:00.001-07:00

Don't make us angry. You wouldn't like us when we're angry.

2011-05-30T04:30:00.000-07:00

Genre Squad: Zombie's Open Casting Call (Part 2!)

2011-05-23T03:39:00.000-07:00

Jeff and Celeste sacrifice themselves to the gods of podcast! (And Beatrice; week 41!)

2011-05-16T04:01:00.000-07:00

Dudes! Ever wonder what we sound like and just how nerdy we are?! Well, wonder no longer: we joined the podcast Nerds on the Rocks for a Q&A about Gotham High, this here blog, and good old-fashioned geekery. You can check out the sweet, dulcet tones of our voices here:

http://nerdsontherocks.com/podcasts/notr/nerds-on-the-rocks-43-gotham-high-gotham-low/

And make sure you give these guys a regular listenin'-to as that they're all-around great. Thanks for having us, Nerds on the Rocks!

...And now back to your regularly scheduled Beatrice:

Hokey smoke! Moose and squirrel!

2011-05-09T03:57:00.000-07:00

Hey, gang! No Dictionary: The Movie this week, but have our best Boris and Natasha impression to tide you over!

"Here, cleverly disguised as a bomb, is a bomb."

Until next week, dahlink.

Beatrice; week 40.

2011-05-02T03:54:00.000-07:00

Genre Squad: Zombie's Open Casting Call (Part 1!)

2011-04-25T08:36:00.000-07:00

Beatrice; week 39.

2011-04-18T07:14:00.000-07:00

Dictionary: The Movie (Part 11!)

2011-04-11T03:48:00.000-07:00

Jeff and Celeste...or Bishop and Phoenix?!

2011-04-04T04:13:00.000-07:00

We interrupt our regularly scheduled web-comic for this picture of us as X-men:

Life better stop getting in the way of our comic-ing because we can clearly kick its ass.

Be sure to tune in next week for a brand new Dictionary: The Movie!

Genre Squad: Tricks of the Trades (Part 2!)

2011-03-28T03:34:00.000-07:00

Beatrice; week 38.

2011-03-21T04:38:00.000-07:00

By the power of Grayskull...

2011-03-14T03:54:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately, this is another one of those weeks where making a living is getting in the way of making a life, so we don't have a new webcomic to share with you today. However, we do have this picture from the Jeff and Celeste vaults to remind you of how normally awesome we are:

We have the power!

Beatrice; week 37.

2011-03-07T08:50:00.000-08:00

Beatrice; week 36.

2011-02-28T05:00:00.001-08:00

Genre Squad: The Tricks of the Trades (Part 1)

2011-02-21T08:12:00.000-08:00

Beatrice; week 35.

2011-02-14T05:08:00.000-08:00

Dictionary: The Movie (Part 10!)

2011-02-07T03:43:00.000-08:00

Beatrice; week 34.

2011-01-31T03:56:00.000-08:00

Genre Squad: New Roommates

2011-01-24T04:11:00.000-08:00

Beatrice; week 33.

2011-01-17T04:01:00.000-08:00

Dictionary: The Movie (Part 9!)

2011-01-10T03:59:00.001-08:00

Gotham High

2011-01-03T12:47:00.000-08:00

Hey everybody! We have a huge treat in store for you this week from the Jeff and Celeste vault of awesomeness. Batman is both mine and Celeste's favorite superhero and some time about a year and a half ago, we were approached to create a spec series based off of an old drawing of mine that we then sent to DC. Unfortunately, the project got lost in the sea of all the other Batman related projects in the works. But hey, it was still fun to make.

The Story Synopsis:
We all go through incredible changes as teenagers: growth spurts, bad skin, a sudden insatiable need to uphold justice and avenge your murdered parents…. Well, that is if you’re Bruce Wayne.
As if being a freshman at Gotham High wasn’t tough enough, Bruce’s insomnia and technological fascinations are taking their toll. Instead of spending his time studying, he has begun to obsess over an emerging personality trait: Batman. But under the watchful eye of his guardian and steward, Alfred Pennyworth, Bruce is forced to put his intelligence to good use: graduating high school. But given his classmates, can Bruce survive Gotham High?

Original Drawing

The very first "Beatrice".

2010-12-27T05:49:00.000-08:00

Thanks to another holiday-filled weekend, we're behind on our blogly duties. However! Despite the severe lack of a new Genre Squad for you, we present you with something from the Jeff and Celeste archives....

For your viewing pleasure, we present you with the very first Beatrice comic:

When pitching the concept to Jeff, Celeste sent the first script along with her attempt at its art. Jeff liked it, took over the artwork duties (thankfully), and the rest is adorable, serial-killing history!

Beatrice; week 32.

2010-12-20T03:51:00.000-08:00

Dictionary: The Movie (Part 8!)

2010-12-13T03:36:00.000-08:00

Beatrice; week 31.

2010-12-06T04:04:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving leftovers....

2010-11-29T03:23:00.000-08:00

We're still in a food coma from Thanksgiving and couldn't finish this week's comic in time.... Meanwhile, remember how awesome this picture is?!

...That's what I thought.

Genre Squad: Moving Day (Part 2)

2010-11-22T03:59:00.000-08:00

Beatrice; week 30.

2010-11-15T03:30:00.000-08:00

BOOM! Archived!

If you want to see how it all began, you'll have to order BEATRICE Volume One!

Dictionary: The Movie (Part 7!)

2010-11-08T03:22:00.000-08:00

Beatrice; week 29.

2010-11-01T03:37:00.000-07:00

BOOM! Archived!

If you want to see how it all began, you'll have to order BEATRICE Volume One!

Genre Squad: Moving Day (Part 1)

2010-10-25T03:32:00.000-07:00

Beatrice; week 28.

2010-10-18T03:10:00.000-07:00

BOOM! Archived!

If you want to see how it all began, you'll have to order BEATRICE Volume One!

Dictionary: The Movie (Part 6!)

2010-10-11T03:23:00.000-07:00

Beatrice; week 27.

2010-10-04T03:28:00.000-07:00

BOOM! Archived!

If you want to see how it all began, you'll have to order BEATRICE Volume One!

Genre Squad: WAR! (part 4)

2010-09-27T03:25:00.000-07:00

Beatrice; week 26.

2010-09-20T03:20:00.000-07:00

BOOM! Archived!

If you want to see how it all began, you'll have to order BEATRICE Volume One!

Dictionary: The Movie (Part 5!)

2010-09-13T04:08:00.000-07:00

Beatrice; week 25.

2010-09-06T08:48:00.000-07:00

BOOM! Archived!

If you want to see how it all began, you'll have to order BEATRICE Volume One!

Jeff and Celeste's ode to Batman.

2010-08-30T03:48:00.000-07:00

Oh, 5th Monday in a month.... You so crazy!

Genre Squad: WAR! (part 3)

2010-08-23T03:23:00.000-07:00

Beatrice; week 24.

2010-08-16T03:14:00.000-07:00

BOOM! Archived!

If you want to see how it all began, you'll have to order BEATRICE Volume One!

Dictionary: The Movie (Part 4!)

2010-08-09T03:11:00.000-07:00

Beatrice; week 23.

2010-08-02T03:06:00.000-07:00

BOOM! Archived!

If you want to see how it all began, you'll have to order BEATRICE Volume One!

Genre Squad: WAR! (part 2)

2010-07-26T08:12:00.001-07:00

Beatrice; week 22.

2010-07-19T12:01:00.000-07:00

BOOM! Archived!

If you want to see how it all began, you'll have to order BEATRICE Volume One!

Dictionary: The Movie (Part 3!)

2010-07-12T03:10:00.000-07:00

Beatrice; week 21.

2010-07-05T07:53:00.000-07:00

BOOM! Archived!

If you want to see how it all began, you'll have to order BEATRICE Volume One!

Genre Squad: WAR! (part 1)

2010-06-28T03:09:00.000-07:00

Beatrice; week 20.

2010-06-21T02:18:00.000-07:00

BOOM! Archived!

If you want to see how it all began, you'll have to order BEATRICE Volume One!

Dictionary: The Movie (Part 2!)

2010-06-14T03:18:00.000-07:00

Beatrice; week 19.

2010-06-07T02:41:00.001-07:00

BOOM! Archived!

If you want to see how it all began, you'll have to order BEATRICE Volume One!

Beatrice; week 18.

2010-05-31T19:07:00.000-07:00

BOOM! Archived!

If you want to see how it all began, you'll have to order BEATRICE Volume One!

Dictionary: The Movie: The Webcomic

2010-05-24T03:15:00.000-07:00

Hey guys! Remember this?!

Well, feast your eyes on this!

Introducing our newest series: Dictionary: The Movie: The Webcomic! Let us know what you think.

Beatrice; week 17.

2010-05-17T03:18:00.001-07:00

BOOM! Archived!

If you want to see how it all began, you'll have to order BEATRICE Volume One!

KYLE: Penguin of Destiny (part 7!)

2010-05-10T03:27:00.000-07:00

We interrupt this week's regularly scheduled Genre Squad to bring you a new Kyle: Penguin of Destiny! ...Because sometimes real work gets in the way of comic-making. (I know! Lame, right?!)

KYLE: THE PENGUIN OF DESTINY...PART 7!
By Celeste Green (written in Courier) and Jeffrey Thomas (written in Arial)

“What the hell, man?! Is this how you welcome all of your visitors?!” yelled Paulo.

“It’s okay, ladies. He’s cool,” Kyle explained to the Sexy Ninja Brigade.

“Damn straight, I’m cool.”

“What are you doing here, Paulo?”

“Dude-bro! A bunch of WarLizards totally attacked Marshmallow Meadows! They’re taking werebadgers hostage and forcing them to go all clairvoyant and shit.”

“And you escaped?”

“Yeah. Roberta’s uber maternal instinct kicked in and she’s one scary werebadger to fight right now. It’s actually really hot…. Anyway, she’s holding down the fort and watching the kids. She kicked me out—I mean…she sent me to find you.”

“Why Kyle,” asked Latisha, with an obvious judgment in her voice.

“Because Tabitha was with them.”

“WHAT?!” chorused Kyle, Latisha, and the rest of the Sexy Ninja Brigade.

“I thought she was on Piñata Isle? What is she doing in the Marshmallow Meadows,” wondered Kyle.

“I don’t know, dude, but Tabitha was the one giving orders to the WarLizards,” recounted Paulo.

“But I totally just killed Hydranus. I kicked him in the nuts. I watched him die.”

“That’s harsh, dude.”

“It had to be done…. It had to be done.”

“But now that Hydranus is dead, who are the WarLizards taking orders from?” wondered Latisha.

“I’m telling you guys, it’s Tabitha…” reminded Paulo.

“Okay, but why?” pondered Kyle, his interests uncharacteristically focused. “Latisha, I’ve been wondering: What was Tabitha’s official reasoning for leaving the Sexy Ninja Brigade?”

“I don’t see how that’s relevant,” Latisha began.

“Anything could be at this rate. Spill it, sister.”

“Fine. It was a little after she kicked your ass in the Universal Fighting League Championships—“

“SHE DID NOT KICK MY ASS!”

“Yeah she did, man. It’s time to face the facts,” responded Paulo.

“Anyway, after she trounced you, she was in a really weird mood. She was distracted, edgy…she looked kind of ill. We figured it was just a major hangover from the sheer amount of serious celebratory boozing we did that night, but a few days passed and she wasn’t improving. One day, she pulled me aside and handed in her resignation. I begged her to stay, but she said she had to leave. She said it wasn’t up to her, anymore.”

“…I don’t get it,” admitted Kyle.

“Me neither,” said Paulo.

“I don’t know what happened to her, but whatever it was; it was serious enough to get her to retire. I tried to sleuth what might have gone down, but being a ninja and all, she was pretty good at covering her tracks.”

The party spent a few moments reflecting in silence and staring off into respective distances.

“…Hey, Kyle?” asked Paulo.

“Hmm.”

“…Did you upgrade your hover-zebra?” he asked, gesturing to the vehicle parked in the middle of the living room.

“Yeah! I got the new Primal Package,” said Kyle, running over to his prize to point out its new features. “The racing stripes really do make it move faster!”

“Sweet! Did you go with cheetah or panther blood? I’ve heard that the panther blood is way more fuel efficient, but it doesn’t compare to the kick that the cheetah blood has.”

“I went with cheetah. It’s so sick, dude. Want to go for a spin?!”

“Totally!”

Latisha stepped forward and simultaneously back-handed them both so hard that they were lifted from their feet and rotated twice before hitting the ground, not unlike a Power Ranger. “FOCUS, people: Tabitha, WarLizards, King Zombie, remember?!”

“Owwww,” whined Kyle.

“Oh yeah,” confessed Paulo.

“Oh YEAH!” yelled Kyle as he looked at the floor in front of him and saw his iPhone charger smiling back up at him. “Witch doctor!”

“What?” said a flustered Latisha.

“I was going to go see the witch doctor who gave me the crappy ring! Well,” Kyle said as he hopped onto his hover-zebra, “catch you guys later!”

“Wait,” exclaimed Paulo. “You promised me a ride on that thing! I’m coming with you!” Paulo hopped onto the back of the transport.

“Hold it, Captain ADD; what about Tabitha?” questioned Latisha.

“Can’t you take care of it? We’re kind of busy,” Kyle said dismissively.

“No. Tell you what: I’m going with you to the witch doctor. Maybe he can give us some advice about what happened to Tabitha. And then once we’re done with your stupid little quest, I can make sure that you stay on task.” Straddling the hover-zebra, she turned to the rest of the Sexy Ninja Brigade. “I want 3 to stay here and monitor the apartment. You 8 will run recon on Piñata Isle, the Valley of Hugs and Rainbows, and any other of King Zombie’s haunts; I want to know about any and all communications he’s having with the WarLizards. You 2 will go underground and find out some of the scuttle: who are the WarLizards reporting to, what is Tabitha’s rank, why are they after the werebadgers? The rest of you, go to Marshmallow Meadows and back up Roberta and the rest of the werebadgers, unlike this deserter here,” she said motioning to Paulo.

“She kicked me out. I’m a lover, not a fighter…” whined Paulo.

“Yeah you are. 27 kids and counting, right? Ha ha!” Kyle said, while offering Paulo a high-five.

Latisha smacked Kyle on the back of the head before Paulo could reciprocate. “Alright, ladies: Move out!” The ninjas disappeared in their cloud of strawberry-smelling smoke. “That means you too, Kyle.”

“Oh.” Kyle kicked the hover-zebra into drive. He flew out the giant hole in the wall and toward the mystical, tropical forests of the witch doctor, while all three passengers balanced awkwardly on the far-too-small vehicle.

The Primal Package was thoroughly being put to the test as the overweight hover-zebra ripped through the night sky.

“WHOOOOO!” yelled Paulo.

“I told you it was badass!” exclaimed Kyle, turning around to look at Paulo and Latisha. Latisha’s face bore a look of frustration and annoyance, topped with a slight sprinkle of fear. Unbeknownst to Kyle and Paulo, or for that matter, any member of the Sexy Ninja Brigade, Latisha was scared of heights. But as the new leader of the Sexy Ninja Brigade, she couldn’t know fear, fear must know her…but Kyle’s flying was making that difficult.

“Check this out!” Kyle yelled as he sent the hover-zebra into a controlled spiral dive. Latisha held onto Paulo with her mighty kung-fu grip, trying with all of her might to contain a scream of terror that so desperately wanted to be let out.

Kyle leveled out the zebra just as swiftly as he entered the dive. “THAT WAS FREAKING SWEET!” yelled Paulo. He and Kyle gave each other a thunderous high five, a high five so powerful that even the gods were jealous that they weren’t part of the gesture.

Latisha continued to hold on for dear life. “Are we there yet?” she said, almost vomiting all over Paulo.

Kyle looked down and surveyed their surroundings. “Umm, actually, I think we passed it.” Latisha glared at him. Kyle turned back around in order to break her terrifying stare, just in time to see a tip of mountain closing in fast. “SHIT!” Kyle exclaimed.

Kyle whipped his hover-zebra hard to the right, just barely avoiding the mountain. He let out a sigh of relief and looked back at his terrified passengers. “Maybe we should land,” he said. He landed in a small ice clearing.

“Where are we,” asked Latisha in a frustrated tone. Kyle and Paulo looked around.

“I think we’re on the Frozen Sunshine Pass,” said Paulo.

Kyle put his hover-zebra back in his secret compartment and walked around. “That means we’re close,” said Kyle.

“But I thought you said we passed it,” said Latisha, getting increasingly irritated with Kyle.

“We did, but there’s more than one way to go somewhere. Unfortunately, taking the Frozen Sunshine Pass is much more dangerous than the way we passed.”

“Then why don’t we just fly back and take the safer way?” said Latisha, who was totally ready to add the back of her hand to Kyle’s face.

“Ummm, well….” Kyle hesitated. “Unfortunately, after entering the Frozen Sunshine Pass there’s only one way out. Luckily for us, it’s the way we need to go.”

“That doesn’t make any damn sense!” yelled Latisha. “Let’s just fly out of here!”

Paulo walked over to Latisha and put his claw on her shoulder to calm her down. “We can’t,” he said. Paulo reached into his pocket and pulled out a coin and threw it into the air. The area of sky around the coin began to freeze and turned into a swarm of ice bats that proceeded to shred the metal coin in an instant. “This entire area works like one organism. The sky prevents things from leaving in order to feed the creatures that dwell here.”

“What creatures dwell here?” asked Latisha.

Kyle gulped and pointed down the path they needed to take. “Ummm, well in order to get to the witch doctor, we have to go down that path.”

“So?! What the hell is down that path?”

“The Abominable Snow Crab…it’s kind of like the witch doctor’s guard dog…except it’s a gigantic evil fury crab monster thing…. Please don’t hate me!” Kyle immediately protected his face, preparing for the inevitable bitch slap of doom.

Latisha let out a groan of frustration, pulled out her katana and began storming down the path.

“Wait for us,” called Paulo.

“Of all the incompetent, self-serving, moronic…” began Latisha as continued forward, in fact not waiting for them.

Paulo was about to speed up his pace, when Kyle pulled him back so that there was a considerable distance between themselves and the ninja.

“Paulo, I’ve been thinking,” Kyle began.

“Uh oh.”

“I KNOW! That was the second thought I had after the first one! Anyway, why do you think Latisha is so angry all of the time?”

“Is she really like this all of the time?”
“Yeah, actually, there’s usually more bitch-slapping.”
“She did seem awfully good at it….”

Lost in their conversation, they did not see Latisha single-handedly eliminate a giant, dreaded Blizzard-Lizard that dare stand in her path.

“I’m thinking daddy-issues,” posited Kyle.

“No, usually that manifests in a lack of self-confidence or a superficial, overbearing amount of it. Violent tendencies tend to relate similar esteem issues, but from a different source,” said Paulo, knowingly. “Mommy-issues? Maybe she’s trying to live up to her mother’s man-eating standards?”

Latisha won a battle with a family of rabid Frost-Ferrets before them, without either noticing.

“How about a bad break-up?” continued Kyle. “Maybe some man had done-her-wrong and she’s still bitter? Girls are kind of lame like that; they can’t get angry at things they love, so they misplace their emotions and take it out on the next available target. They’re too delicate.”

Latisha, trapped in a headlock by a mammoth-sized Nor’Easter Bunny, was in danger of being decapitated by its mighty brawn, until she stealthily stabbed it in its face with her blade and continued to brutally maim it.

“What if it’s her time of the month,” whispered Paulo, still unaware of the battles before him. “Like, all the time?”

“Eww! Gross, dude!”
“I’m just brainstorming here….”

“Well, brainstorm away from that thought.”

“Fine! What’s your best guess, genius?”

Kyle and Paulo silently pondered while staring at the ground and not at the Snow Titans that Latisha was barraging with home-made Molotov cocktails and melting loudly and spectacularly before them.

“Oh. My. God. I’ve got it! I figured it out, Paulo,” squealed Kyle.

“What is it? What is it?!”

“LATISHA,” called Kyle ahead of them.

She stood dramatically among the melted mass of Titans. She was covered in cuts and other creatures’ blood, her hair was being tousled beautifully in the winter wind, and her breath came in heavy puffs of steam due to her recent exertions and bite of the cold. “What,” she said flatly.

“WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU GOT LAID?”

Paulo’s jaw hit the ground with such force that all networks of tunnels built by ants in the tri-county area collapsed and trapped all of the occupants inside, ensuring them a slow, painful, agonizing death. “Dude, you did NOT just go there,” he managed once he re-hinged his jaw. “She’s going to kill us. A lot.”

“Last night. By your mom,” said Latisha in a deadpan. “Now come on, I think we’re getting close to the witch doctor.” She pointed ahead of her to where the frozen tundra abruptly turned into a tropical forest.

“Did you just make a ‘your mom’ joke?” said Kyle in disbelief. “…Or are you serious?”

“It was a joke, Kyle! I, too, am capable of humor.”

“I don’t know,” he said, sizing her up.

Latisha’s frustrated look gave way to one of realization. “The Abominable Snow Crab is behind you.”

“See, that’s not funny at all. I don’t think you are capable of humor.”

“No, numb-nuts. Look behind you!”

Kyle and Paulo turned around just in time to see the Abominable Snow Crab’s massive claw bear down on them.

Kyle pushed Paulo out of the way and did a back flip just as the Abominable Snow Crab’s claw came crashing down where they were just standing. Latisha let out a sigh and pulled out her sword. Kyle glanced at her and signaled for her to stay back.

“I got this!” he yelled.

“Sure, you do.” Latisha rolled her eyes and continued to walk towards the vicious crab monster.

“Seriously, let me handle it!”

“Why?! What do you need to prove? Let’s just kill this thing and get going!”

“NO! I have to do it! I have to prove to you that I’m not incompetent, that I have the skills to pay the bills, that there was a reason why Tabitha loved me.”

Latisha sighed and crossed her arms. “Fine.” She sheathed her sword, stepped back and stood beside Paulo who was checking his Twitter account on his iPhone. “What are you doing?” she asked.

“I’m going to tweet about this fight and upload some images of Kyle getting his ass kicked.”

“I’m surrounded by morons.” They both looked on as Kyle used all forms of martial arts on the Abominable Snow. Ninjitsu, Tae Kwon Do, Jeet Kun Do, Buddhist Palm, Mantis, Snake, Tiger, Crane, Drunken Boxing, Karate, Hapkido, sissy slaps…the crab felt Kyle’s wrath and felt it hard. The Crab howled a terrifying howl as Kyle roundhoused it in the face.

“It’s just you and me crab, boy.” Kyle smirked and inched towards the crab. The crab began to wimper. “Uh oh!” exclaimed Kyle.

“Uh oh? Why, uh oh?” said Latisha.

“Look at him, he’s about to cry. I’m sorry little guy…um…big, little guy.” Kyle walked up to the Abominable Snow Crab and began to pet it. “It’s ok.” The crab began to pur like a kitten…and that’s when Kyle ripped that bitch in half.

“What the hell, man?!” yelled Latisha. Paulo just went ahead and threw up all over himself at the site of Kyle totally destroying the crab.

“I don’t got time for bitch crabs. Plus, I’m hungry as shit and Abominable Snow Crabs are delicious…I’m a penguin after all. I do that shit.” Kyle ripped off one of the crab’s giant claws and somehow managed to put the rest of the crab in his secret compartment. “This shit is for later.” He began to drag the claw behind. “So are you guys coming or what? We got a witch doctor to find.”

“Maybe we should wait for Paulo to finish hurling,” said Latisha.

“Blaarrag…corn…when did I have corn?” Paulo looked up at Latisha. “I think I’m g-g-good…blaaaaaargh!” Latisha reeled in disgust.

“You two definitely are a couple of morons.” She grabs Paulo and carried him like a baby to Kyle. “Let’s get going.”

They continued on their way to the witch doctor.

Beatrice; week 16.

2010-05-03T03:18:00.000-07:00

BOOM! Archived!

If you want to see how it all began, you'll have to order BEATRICE Volume One!

Jeff and Celeste of the Caribbean!

2010-04-26T02:45:00.000-07:00

Happy Miscellaneous Week! Be sure to tune in next Monday for a brand new "Beatrice" comic!

Beatrice; week 15.

2010-04-19T07:30:00.000-07:00

BOOM! Archived!

If you want to see how it all began, you'll have to order BEATRICE Volume One!

Genre Squad: The Parental-Units

2010-04-12T03:29:00.000-07:00

Beatrice; week 14.

2010-04-05T03:04:00.000-07:00

BOOM! Archived!

If you want to see how it all began, you'll have to order BEATRICE Volume One!

KYLE: Penguin of Destiny (part 6!)

2010-03-29T03:13:00.000-07:00

For your viewing pleasure, a new Kyle poster:

For your reading pleasure, a new Kyle update:

KYLE: THE PENGUIN OF DESTINY...PART 6!
By Celeste Green (written in Courier) and Jeffrey Thomas (written in Arial)

As Kyle unfurled his hover-zebra, the remnants of Tabitha’s ring fell to the ground. He had stashed them away during a sentimental moment just prior to hunting down Hydranus, and now, glistening in the setting sunlight, it caught his attention.

“OH YEAH,” he exclaimed. “Didn’t I say I was going to visit the witch doctor, like, 5 pages ago?! Crap!”

Kyle was torn between his destiny on Piñata Isle and the sweet, sweet revenge he was planning to enact upon the witch doctor for his shoddy ring-construction. If he went to Piñata Isle, it was entirely possible that he could learn about Tabitha’s contract and how it linked her resignation from the Sexy Ninja Brigade, the WarLizards’ power over the remaining Sexy Ninja Brigade, King Zombie’s incorporation of the Sexy Ninja Brigade and therefore assumed alliance with the WarLizards, and the greater purpose and plans of King Zombie that somehow benefited the WarLizards, indebted Tabitha, and protected Kyle. All of that information could be clearly and concisely revealed in a very timely fashion if he just confronted Tabitha before she wove a more complicated tapestry by upholding her end of the contract—whatever that was—at Piñata Isle. All of this could be over just as quickly as it began and he could get back to solving the mysterious prophecy of the Elder Breast: “There is another....”

However, he sure loved enacting revenge and neither his better judgment nor his curiosity could cure him of that at this very moment. He unsheathed his iPhone and activated the GPS application.

Due to the vast amounts of “herbal medicine” he partook in while visiting the witch doctor, his memory of the location had become obscured. But he thought that he may be able to determine the witch doctor’s camp by plugging in the addresses of the cave that held the Crystal Skull and the ring-cursing witch, since it logically had to be someplace between the two. But just as his app was about to reveal the last time he activated the GPS in that area, the battery died.

“Fuck,” he stated simply. “And I left the charger at my apartment. My apartment which was being attacked by a giant robot the last time I left it. Well isn’t this great.”

Kyle sighed a sigh powerful enough to launch a fleet of old timey pirate ships. But given there were no old timey pirate ships in the area, it just conveyed his aggravation audibly to a nonexistent audience. The lack of audience and old timey pirate ships made him somehow sadder…. He set a slow and melancholy course for home; back to the giant mech and the Sexy Ninja Brigade, back to Ryan Gosling, and back to his goddamn iPhone charger.

Kyle straddled his hover zebra and took off into the heavens. The night sky was littered with stars, their light gleaming off the fresh tears on Kyle’s face as he thought of Tabitha…and the impending Ryan Gosling. “Curse you, Ryan Gosling,” he thought. He only hoped that his iPhone charger was nowhere near the DVD player or he was screwed. “Why do I always cry when I fly my hover-zebra? Something needs to be done about this.” Kyle was tired of his hover-zebra making him feel inadequate or at least he chalked it up to his hover-zebra. It was time for a change. Luckily, Hovanimals was on his way home.

Kyle whipped and raced through the stratosphere to Hovanimals. The building floated high above the Valley of Hugs and Rainbows inside the fluffiest cloud you’ve ever seen. Kyle took his hover-zebra into the customer service department, where he waited for a good 20 minutes before he made it up to the counter. But once there, he met the most gorgeous sales associate of all time. Kyle composed himself and struck his “hot shit” pose.

“Hey baby! My hover-zebra needs an upgrade. Maybe afterwards you and I can break it in,” Kyle said in the smoothest player voice any woman has ever heard. The sales associated melted and was putty in his hands. Seriously, the girl died and dripped all over the place. ‘Why the hell does everything get taken so literally in this world,’ Kyle thought, but that mystery was for another day. A pimply teenager took the hot sales associates place.

“How can I help you,” he said with the most monotone and unsexy voice anyone has ever heard.

“Uh yeah,” Kyle said as he brushed the hot sales associate off his hands. “I need to upgrade my hover-zebra.”

“Ok. Do you have a package deal in mind?”

“No, not really. All I know is my hover-zebra isn’t as badass as it should be.”

“Well, I would highly recommend the Primal package. It is by far the most badass upgrade a Hovanimal can receive.”

Kyle was intrigued. “What’s the Primal package?” he asked eagerly.

“Well, we infuse your Hovanimal with cheetah blood and paint sweet racing stripes and lightning bolts on the side of it.”

Kyle’s eyes widened. “DO IT!”

It had begun….

In a magnificent montage, Kyle’s hover-zebra was conveyed on belts, modified by advanced machinery, studied by scientists, tested by professionals, and admired by applauding public. Oddly, the montage did not serve its purpose in relating lengthy amounts of time that the processes would need to take place in a much briefer amount of time, but rather took 6-8 hours to complete. Kyle fell asleep in the waiting room.

Awakened by the pimply sales associate’s visage upon its completion, Kyle fell from his perch of 3 waiting room chairs pushed together. “I demand to see a search warrant,” Kyle screamed as he was ripped from his dream-state.

“Your hover-zebra’s done,” the pimply sales associate relayed in his aforementioned monotone.

The sales associate pointed toward where Kyle’s newly decked out hover-zebra stood. It exuded confidence, it emanated prowess, it radiated badassery; Kyle was ready to return to his quest.

The pimply sales associate rang him up at the counter, where Kyle was forced to pay for an exorbitant service fee and unsuccessfully argued not paying the included gratuity charge. His improved mood dampened by his soon to be plummeting credit score, he grumbled as he hopped on his souped up hover-zebra and zoomed away.

Given the increased badassitude of the hover-zebra, Kyle did not feel an impulse to cry. However, his increased speed coupled with his unwise choice to ignore proper eye safety by not donning riding goggles, his eyes watered for reasons of wind resistance. By the time he reached his apartment, it looked as if he had been sobbing for hours and almost began to as the new sight greeted him.

The city surrounding his apartment was in ruins. Smoke curled from destroyed buildings, the populous looted all available merchandise from retailers as they evacuated, and pandemonium reigned the streets. All that was left of the presumed battle were the destroyed remains of the giant mech that were strewn across the cityscape and a giant hole in the side of Kyle’s apartment building. Dreading to find nothing left of his home, Kyle carefully navigated his hover-zebra through the new hole in his apartment wall.

“Latisha,” he called out as he entered. “The unnamed rest of the Sexy Ninja Brigade? Are you here?”

Kyle shrieked like a girl as he was tackled to the ground by 15 ninjas.

“It’s okay, it’s just Kyle,” Latisha said as she ordered her fellow ninjas to stand down.

They backed off and made themselves comfortable within his home. Kyle hyperventilated as Latisha helped him to his feet.

“So did you find Tabitha,” she asked.

“Umm…yes. And then I lost her again.”

“What did you do wrong this time?”

“I didn’t do anything wrong!”
Latisha looked unconvinced.

“…Okay, I did something wrong. I proposed to her with a cursed ring.”

Latisha bitch-slapped him with the force of an army of Jersey girls.

“Ow! My delicate features!”

“Kyle, you moronic good for nothing—“

“ButthentheWarLizardsshowedupandsheleftwiththemandwehavetofindherbeforeshebecomesabadguyPLEASESTOPHURTINGME!”

Latisha paused mid-wind-up. “…She’s teaming up with the WarLizards?”

“Uh huh,” whimpered Kyle from behind his hands—err, flippers, eyeing the apartment for his iPhone charger so he could blow this popsicle stand before further beatdowns commenced.

“You mean she did this consciously? She wasn’t under their spell?”

“Um…no? Let’s go with no.”

“This is more serious than I thought.”

“I know, right?! This is super serious.” Kyle had spotted the charger on the floor next to his couch and began inching toward it as Latisha digested the gravity of the situation. Reaching out with his foot—webbed foot, that is—he began to slowly draw the charger toward him. He was so close!

Suddenly the apartment shook violently followed by a loud knock at the door. Kyle sighed as his iPhone charger slid away from him. “Damn it!” he said under his breath. Kyle glanced at the door. Latisha and the Sexy Ninja Brigade posted up on either side of the door frame. Latisha gave commands via hand signals and two of the sexy ninjas broke off from the group and dashed out the window. There was another knock at the door, louder than the first. A large shadow passed by the door and Kyle grew tense. Latisha motioned for Kyle to answer the door but Kyle was hesitant.

“Who is it?” called Kyle. The figure on the other side of the door didn’t respond but knocked again. Kyle inched towards the door. “Who is it?” he called once more and again, the figure didn’t respond but knocked again. Kyle looked at Latisha and she glared at him. Kyle knew it was time to show these sexy ninjas what he was made of. He took a deep breath and put his flipper hand on the door knob. And in a motion that could only be described as god like, he whipped open the door and got into attack position just in time to see the two sexy ninjas sent by Latisha, tackle the figure simultaneously. Kyle put down his fins somewhat disappointed and slightly relieved.

The sexy ninjas dragged the figure into Kyle’s apartment and threw him on the floor. He was shrouded in a tattered hooded cloak. Latisha pulled out her katana and pointed it at the creature’s hooded face. “Who are you and what are you doing here?” she demanded. The creature removed its hood.

“PAULO?!” exclaimed Kyle….

To be continued...!

"A Royale with cheese! You know why they call it that?"

2010-03-22T02:39:00.000-07:00

"Because of the metric system?"

And next week: more Kyle, Penguin of Destiny! Hooray!

Beatrice; week 13.

2010-03-15T02:54:00.001-07:00

BOOM! Archived!

If you want to see how it all began, you'll have to order BEATRICE Volume One!

Genre Squad: Hello Sailor (Part 2!)

2010-03-08T02:40:00.000-08:00

Beatrice; week 12.

2010-03-01T02:43:00.000-08:00

BOOM! Archived!

If you want to see how it all began, you'll have to order BEATRICE Volume One!